showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]