My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Yes, but it was never about money
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.