Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot