If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.