my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Dyslexics are teople poo!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.