If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
You Might Also Like
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
This line from Airplane.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?