If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians