If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.