“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Taking phone security to the next level.
happy mother’s day❤️
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.