If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”