@LizHackett: If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask "Is this Led Zeppelin?"
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@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
@NotThatKristi: My jeans say "no more Christmas goodies" but my leggings are like "we got you, gurrrl"
@Jake_Vig: THEM: Let's head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there. ME: What's the grass situation?