If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one