if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas