@topherjordan: If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm pretty freakin' amazing in bed.
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@Parentpains: If you didn't want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
@dshack8: Coworker: Do u have a phone charger? Me: No. CW: How about the 1 on your desk? Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?! CW: OMG! *runs away*
@Liber_what: Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon's food, the eggs are about to hatch S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate Me: Me: here, take the eggs too
@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"