If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
You Might Also Like
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?