If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.