@the_kizzle: if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.
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@mattZillaaaa: Some people wake up in the morning & are all like "omg I'm the luckiest person in the world" and I wake up all like "oh my god"
@Mikecanrant: I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.
@NakedHangover: Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.