If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.