me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on