If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Breaking news:
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
finally found a reasonable question