If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.