If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING