My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
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Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
the council will decide your fate
I’ve had worse
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.