@DanaSchwartzzz: If you pay me $50 I'll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
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@tiemoose: gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy her friend: what that sounds completely normal [earlier, in bed] me: i invented the colour blue
@MoneypennyNaked: Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google She marrying a doctor in June Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price Mom:- Me:THAT'S LIKE 50% OFF
@tastefactory: Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??