If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
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Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫