Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.