If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Air conditioning – not a fan
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
A new level of troll.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot