Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
You Might Also Like
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
shit just got real
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.