*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
You Might Also Like
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Swedish for common sense.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
A family that plays together cheats.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.