There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher