@ShutUpThatsWho: If you play the movie Jaws backwards it's basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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@Swishergirl24: I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that's not how pregnancy works.
@Cheeseboy22: One of the World's Strongest Man events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together."
@pattonoswalt: "Snowmageddon"? We can do better, Twitter. #SnowCountryForOldMen #ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter #SnowMommaFromTheTrain #Snowverfield
@tdug: My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place