@ShutUpThatsWho: If you play the movie Jaws backwards it's basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
@theshamingofjay: No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again.
@BoogTweets: [Interrogation] Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me *intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
@bromanconsul: congrats to those who made it onto my "Not A Lizard" spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.