i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I’m sorry…what?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
mood
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*