If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.