@crunchenhancer: If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.
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@419BillE: Friend- "You're drunk." Me- *mocking voice* "You're drunk." Friend- "Stop." Me- *morphs into clone of friend* "Stop."
@summerofbenny: I have a huge gash in my forehead. I'm going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
@amazymay72x: My 12yo son's protip: Buy larger sized clothes and you'll look like you lost weight. You're welcome.
@SethMacFarlane: Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.