If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.