If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
You Might Also Like
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.