Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor