If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”