If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
You Might Also Like
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.