If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
excuse me
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T