If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My dog ate my work from home.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.