I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”