me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.