@HomeProbably: I've just text my new girlfriend that I'm into all sorts of douchebaggery. Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

@El_nacho_Nigre: Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you'll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@jonnysun: "the names bond, james bond" [5 min later] STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

@isabelzawtun: Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone's gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

@ArfMeasures: [Bar] HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say ME: That's interesting HOT GIRL: No it isn't