Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.