If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
wtf is a larm clock?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens