If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Meow
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’