There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Cherry seeds are just the pits.