Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only