If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
You Might Also Like
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.