If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Art by Pastelkatto
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.