If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”