If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
the composer
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…