If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.