If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.