If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Fight
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.